The first week since my 2 pink lines was lovely but ended in terror. Scary, exciting and surreal to begin with, I felt confident with my symptoms and felt so positive. I had promised myself I would take this approach and as the doubling HCG levels rolled in, it was easy-ish. I walked each day, worked, rested and spent time with N, trying to keep our excitement under control. I had booked my 6 week scan (6.6) and knew that a heart beat makes it 'official', I saw that as the next milestone.
At approx 4.6, one dark Sunday morning, I started feeling a bit crampy, hot tummy, constipation easing perhaps and I nipped off to the loo to be greeted with watery, brownish, pinky-red spotting. My whole life flashed before my eyes and the words 'how long until the next FET' flashed across my tunnel vision. I told N, who's reaction I'll never forget and shakily called my Dr. 'I'm bleeding'......'what?....yes, yes it's significant'. A minute later I turned to N, 'he said if it gets heavier go to A&E, he'll scan me tomorrow and I need to go for a repeat blood HCG on the way'. Off to bed as Dr ordered with a pad and I turned off the lights and just breathed, in and out, trying to slow my heart down.
About an hour later, those few tiny mls of 'stuff' had not returned, each time I went to the bathroom I was greeted with pale brown PV loss. Much of this is pessary residue I must add. Those of you who have used these will know how messy they are. Dr P told me to increase them from 8hrly to 6hrly so I found myself very uncomfortable indeed but gradually hope was returning. There was no 'red' and things were tailing off. By the morning.
On route to the clinic my boobs were so sore and I felt really nauseous, PV loss was now just pessary (with a brown tinge). My Dr popped in the dildo cam and I could hear the beeps of him measuring something, sounded just like measuring my follicles as the eggs were growing. He swung the screen round and I was full of hope before my eyes even adjusted, he seemed so confident. 'There's your baby, measuring just right for your dates with this little...how do you say...sack?!, can't see anything bleeding anywhere'...phew.
Dr P thinks it's burrowing/implantation and that if it returns I should rest. I feel reassured for a day of two. A little surprised it's just one as my HCG was so high but a little relieved that things look OK and I wasn't 'loosing' a twin. Another mini milestone and mini celebration.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Anon
I have moved my blog and just tested it out, I can't access it via the old address. Fingers crossed everyone following it will still be able to see posts and therefore it's (almost) anonymous. Over the past year I have shared my blog with one or two people in my day to day life, mainly those who have battled infertility in the hope that they will draw some comfort from it.
However, as I was faced at last with announcing a pregnancy I found I couldn't 'blog' about it as some of my followers are close friends and I wanted to tell them my news, gently, via email/letter as planned, so I've been a bit cut off. Also, I want to wait until reaching week 12 before telling people too.
Anyway, with the 12 week milestone still a few weeks away, it's nice to have this space back again.
However, as I was faced at last with announcing a pregnancy I found I couldn't 'blog' about it as some of my followers are close friends and I wanted to tell them my news, gently, via email/letter as planned, so I've been a bit cut off. Also, I want to wait until reaching week 12 before telling people too.
Anyway, with the 12 week milestone still a few weeks away, it's nice to have this space back again.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Thank you
Thank you to my handful of 'anonymous' followers for your BC messages and emails. I had to delete my last post as this blog is not anonymous and I realised after posting that I'm not ready to give any updates yet about my recent FET and other treatment related stuff on here. You can see latest developments on BC. I hope to be back again at some point. Until then, I will continue to look in from time to time and wish you all the best at your various stages of treatment. :)
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Out to lunch
I'm on a roll with relaxing and spending more time away from the internet, every time I am tempted to look on websites and blogs I find myself stumbling over things I hadn't even known I needed to worry about and ruining my happy state, so I'm having another internet holiday and I've even deactivated my FB account temporarily....scary. So, we shall see, back to the days of mobile phones and a daily email check. I wonder how many invitations I'll miss?! There's always the chance of a google search, so that comes down to will power. I'll look in again in a week or two but I'm off for now...Doctor's orders! (it really is).
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Envy
Since talking to the therapist I feel I have more perspective again and am less upset at other peoples pregnancies (most of the time), I'm not jumping for joy with happiness, it's still hard but I'm loosing the 'it should be me' aspect. I've never really envied other peoples lives or relationships so it was something I wanted to tackle...other peoples babies.
I still feel it, IVF, post miscarriage or easy, effortless first timers.... it all hurts ...but once the child is grown up and no longer a baby, I find it easier for one reason or another. Before I started IVF I reserved those gut wrenching feelings for pregnancies following an effortless conception but the moment I started injecting myself to get my ovaries working overtime I got 'fertility report' envy on the BC website and others...why do other people have more follicles/eggs collected/top grade embryos than us? And ever since my failed cycle I find IVF success stories just as painful. It took me by surprise really. Anyway I'm working on it all and feeling 10 times happier.
This is not a comparison, just one of the many things that amazes me when I think back to my old job, it involved children, babies and bereavement so I don't talk about it much. I spoke to one Mum whose son had died, so I could say good bye and hand over to the person in line for my job before I left for South America. She told me she had had a bad weekend, her sister had announced she was pregnant. I almost jumped in with my own assumptions but kept a professional head and said it sounded hard, what was the hardest part about it? The Mother told me, it's not the pregnancy, it's that I wanted to shout with happiness and tell my son but he's gone, he will never meet this child, his cousin and the worst part his cousin will never meet him. Everyone thinks I am upset by the pregnancy but it's not my child, it will never be and so I feel no envy at all.
I'll keep working on it, it's a natural feeling , envy, so I'm trying to forgive myself and I find that helps and focus on what it is that's really bothering me and then the envy dissipates and I don't dwell for so long on FB updates. I think it will always be a little hard...
I still feel it, IVF, post miscarriage or easy, effortless first timers.... it all hurts ...but once the child is grown up and no longer a baby, I find it easier for one reason or another. Before I started IVF I reserved those gut wrenching feelings for pregnancies following an effortless conception but the moment I started injecting myself to get my ovaries working overtime I got 'fertility report' envy on the BC website and others...why do other people have more follicles/eggs collected/top grade embryos than us? And ever since my failed cycle I find IVF success stories just as painful. It took me by surprise really. Anyway I'm working on it all and feeling 10 times happier.
This is not a comparison, just one of the many things that amazes me when I think back to my old job, it involved children, babies and bereavement so I don't talk about it much. I spoke to one Mum whose son had died, so I could say good bye and hand over to the person in line for my job before I left for South America. She told me she had had a bad weekend, her sister had announced she was pregnant. I almost jumped in with my own assumptions but kept a professional head and said it sounded hard, what was the hardest part about it? The Mother told me, it's not the pregnancy, it's that I wanted to shout with happiness and tell my son but he's gone, he will never meet this child, his cousin and the worst part his cousin will never meet him. Everyone thinks I am upset by the pregnancy but it's not my child, it will never be and so I feel no envy at all.
I'll keep working on it, it's a natural feeling , envy, so I'm trying to forgive myself and I find that helps and focus on what it is that's really bothering me and then the envy dissipates and I don't dwell for so long on FB updates. I think it will always be a little hard...
New approach
I'm using all I learnt from the last cycle to manage this one when it begins. I'm not reporting every stage on the blog but talking to N and a close friend or two. I'm being vague about dates so no one will know if and when I am post transfer. That way I don't have any pressure to report bad news (embryos didn't survive thaw or another another failed cycle) and others don't feel anxious about how to support me. I will let people know outcomes, good or bad, as I need to.
I must say that had the first cycle worked I would probably swear by my methods, blogging every step, I almost believed it would make it work, like an imaginary being controlling my fate would see my words and say 'gosh, this has to result in a pregnancy, all this work and emotional toil'. The negative outcome showed the blog for all it was and the fact that I had neglected other areas of my life to draw strength from. So anyway, it's good to have this blog and it's readers, it's one area of my life and it helps in a small way. I would not have learned all I have learned these past 2 months about myself, infertility treatment and what helps and what doesn't. Not that it's a consolation, just that I have made the most of a difficult situation and learned from it.
I've not talked much about IVF with my therapist but all that has come up has impacted on everything else and I feel prepared for these next 2 tries, when ever they may be, I feel I am (we are) doing all we can.
I must say that had the first cycle worked I would probably swear by my methods, blogging every step, I almost believed it would make it work, like an imaginary being controlling my fate would see my words and say 'gosh, this has to result in a pregnancy, all this work and emotional toil'. The negative outcome showed the blog for all it was and the fact that I had neglected other areas of my life to draw strength from. So anyway, it's good to have this blog and it's readers, it's one area of my life and it helps in a small way. I would not have learned all I have learned these past 2 months about myself, infertility treatment and what helps and what doesn't. Not that it's a consolation, just that I have made the most of a difficult situation and learned from it.
I've not talked much about IVF with my therapist but all that has come up has impacted on everything else and I feel prepared for these next 2 tries, when ever they may be, I feel I am (we are) doing all we can.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
What took you so long?
No one has ever asked me why I am 35 and having fertility treatment yet I have been with my lovely N for 6 years. I have been interrogated in other ways. I have asked myself this question recently and found it useful to remember why it took me so long to the stage we are at.
I thought long and hard about whether or not I wanted children, I always arrived at a 'yes' because I felt there would be more regrets not having a family than having one but I'm certain that both options involve huge sacrifices. I hit the snooze button on my biological clock at regular intervals during my 20's, along side some very unhealthy relationships, a lot of hard work and study and some healing with from very damaging experiences in my childhood. I was (still am) terrified about the incredible influence a parent can have on their child.
Having a child seemed to be such an overwhelming commitment and change in life style, I wished I could squeeze another decade between 20 and 30. All I ever heard were people complaining about motherhood. After a hard day at work, I would go out with friends and eat and drink and laugh and I pitied the women going home to their kids. They would occasionally make it to a leaving do or Xmas party but they looked older than their years and frumpy. They all seemed to have husbands who would end up in the pub with us while they were putting the kids to bed whilst wearing a quilted dressing gown. They were happy to take a dull job to 'fit round the kids'.
For the first few unproductive months I was relieved at times to be able to carry on drinking white wine, enjoy going out with friends and continue with my life as it was. A friend of mine, L, once went to visit a couple with a new born, L was newly married and her and her husband went for lunch and had to 'ooh and ahh' at the baby. The new Mum told L she hadn't been out for 10 months, she was too exhausted and had to walk with a cane as the sciatica that started during pregnancy had not gone away. L said the poor, new Mum looked horrendous and later, on the way home in the car, L burst into tears and said 'I can't do it...ever...I don't want their life'. Well of course babies aren't babies forever and L has since had enough positive examples of Motherhood to change her mind. As I have. I can see the bigger picture now.
Before even deciding to try for a baby I had more worries, there were all the potential problems at birth, disabilities, autism or a healthy child who starts school and suddenly has a headache and dies a week later from a brain tumour (usually with an unpronounceable name). I've watched people deal with all of these heart breaking situations in my career, as a Nurse and later as a Therapist. 'Don't have children, spare yourself the pain' said one parent. But most were so inspiring it helped me make my mind up and after lots of soul searching, I decided to prove Philip Larkin wrong, or try at least...http://oldpoetry.com/opoem/show/6538-Philip-Larkin-This-Be-The-Verse
I thought long and hard about whether or not I wanted children, I always arrived at a 'yes' because I felt there would be more regrets not having a family than having one but I'm certain that both options involve huge sacrifices. I hit the snooze button on my biological clock at regular intervals during my 20's, along side some very unhealthy relationships, a lot of hard work and study and some healing with from very damaging experiences in my childhood. I was (still am) terrified about the incredible influence a parent can have on their child.
Having a child seemed to be such an overwhelming commitment and change in life style, I wished I could squeeze another decade between 20 and 30. All I ever heard were people complaining about motherhood. After a hard day at work, I would go out with friends and eat and drink and laugh and I pitied the women going home to their kids. They would occasionally make it to a leaving do or Xmas party but they looked older than their years and frumpy. They all seemed to have husbands who would end up in the pub with us while they were putting the kids to bed whilst wearing a quilted dressing gown. They were happy to take a dull job to 'fit round the kids'.
Before even deciding to try for a baby I had more worries, there were all the potential problems at birth, disabilities, autism or a healthy child who starts school and suddenly has a headache and dies a week later from a brain tumour (usually with an unpronounceable name). I've watched people deal with all of these heart breaking situations in my career, as a Nurse and later as a Therapist. 'Don't have children, spare yourself the pain' said one parent. But most were so inspiring it helped me make my mind up and after lots of soul searching, I decided to prove Philip Larkin wrong, or try at least...http://oldpoetry.com/opoem/show/6538-Philip-Larkin-This-Be-The-Verse
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