It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to...PART 2

So how am I feeling?

Tired, very tearful, uncomfortable, frightened, excited, impatient, guilty, relieved...

I've become almost nocturnal. Some might say at 36.5 weeks I'm preparing for motherhood with such a sleep cycle but I say it's the 24/7 heartburn that started at week 20 that's got me here as it's worse at night and I feel I've no right to complain as I spent my 20s in a binge-purge cycle that's knackered my oesophagus.

I'm anaemic, par for the course, very oedematous but no other signs of pre eclampsia  thank goodness. I don't want to list all symptoms so I'm complaining only to my poor husband but otherwise continuing to hold on to how fortunate I am to be facing these symptoms at this stage.

Emotionally, I'm a mess. I told my friend I felt like I had the worst PMT ever at the moment and I felt bad for not 'glowing'. She said 'ooh cramps yuck!' but no, not cramps they don't bother me...'I just feel tearful, am tearful and am screaming at N because he's woken me and it's taken hours to get comfortable asleep and all he's done is talk to me.

I feel I've come full circle. I had a rocky 1st trimester with bleeding and high dose progesterone and serious nausea so spent a lot of it in bed and became a recluse. Here I am again as appointments become weekly with my Dr (same Dr from IF diagnosis, through transfer to delivery) and I'm starting to worry again about what's going to happen next and I'm having to remind myself why I feel so dreadful at the moment. This probably sounds odd, how I could forget why I feel the way I do, as I'm so pregnant now, I waddle with an enormous squirming bump with a big brown line down the middle (which I love) but it doesn't always = baby, in my mind. The pregnancy is as real as it could be but a baby?

The other day I laid out a little outfit and tried to imagine 'it' wearing the clothes. 'It' is a he and the most precious thing ever...don't get me wrong but sometimes I wake in the night to Braxton Hicks and feel my period could be coming and it takes a while to click where I am let alone what the hell is that burning in my back, chest and throat...then, I feel tiny thuds or a bout of hiccups and think god I'm so lucky, so grateful yet equally I'm lost and disconnected and I feel frustrated at what's going on in there? I might whisper 'show yourself...come on' and then feel guilty as there is more cooking to do and I feel selfish.

It's just the idea that this final stage will all just get gradually more uncomfortable and end painfully and then the real work begins and I'm scared I can't cope with it. I'm not complaining or wishing myself back to this time last year, I just want to do my best and worry I'm old and useless. With my tests, HSG and USS tracking and starting injectables plus surgery I haven't had a 'normal' month for a long while, to just keep my knickers on and not attend any appointments if that makes sense and I think that's where I'm snapping at N.

N says 'your doing so well' and I pull an ugly face and say 'liar'....

N says 'it'll all be so worth it' and I nod sulkily because of course he's right...

It's my blog and I'll cry if I want to...PART 1

I feel this blog has been really out of sync with the rest of the online world since the beginning (April 2009) but I'm not done trying to revive it yet.

The biggest issue was that post January, failed cycle and delays in treatment with surgery I became especially bitter and jaded and I found other bloggers were a few steps behind and still full of hope. They were following BFP post IVF posts with glee, like 'ooh that could be me!' but by then I was reading and seething and saying 'why couldn't that be me?' I felt so, so alone.

Then after a few months I got a BFP and the few followers I had dwindled. Let me say, please, I completely understand  why... but I found myself in a lonely place none the less. I tried to link up with IVF post pregnancy blogs via ICLW but many were about measurements, blood results and Mothercare purchases and less about the emotional side of things which is what I'm looking for in connecting with other blogs.

I haven't felt like there are many places I can go with my pregnancy to unpack my emotional baggage. But today, looking at my stats for the first time in months I see that not many folk are reading anyway so I should blog away, even if no one is listening.

I will continue to read others blogs who are in the treatment stage just as I always have and I hope they can see my url pop up in the stats and they know I read because I care and I just don't comment any more as I feel they would prefer not have any reminders of pregnant people in their blog space. I have a few pregnant post IVF/mc blogs to follow to so I'm going to make more effort to connect with those too. I have just read a few and feel inspired again...inspired to be honest...

I couldn't bring myself to see your bump until now...

...said the wife of a friend of my husband, a few days ago. V has a 6 year old daughter conceived via ICSI when she was 39. ICSI gave her 4 embryos, all 4 transferred resulting in a beautiful daughter. All thanks to the same clinic as ours too. But V has no idea that we had ICSI or that we struggled at all for this pregnancy.

People often ask why we aren't more open about IF, like we're being a bit silly somehow but for me it's about two people. I would gladly share our experience with twice as many people as I currently have but I respect that we are dealing with male factor IF and my husband has not told another living soul just as he respects I need to talk to others outside the relationship. So would V not make to my select list? Nope, because she told me about her husbands sperm count and morphology within 5 minutes of meeting her...no exaggeration and she will tell anyone who'll listen.

So when we last met she patted my bump and congratulated me and quickly shared how hard it was for her, she had finished cycle #6 and agreed with Drs to stop TTC#2. Cycle 3 did bring a pregnancy but it resulted in MC at 12wk. I am very aware of all this and her feelings about my pregnancy came as no surprise so I at least shared that we'd waited years for this pregnancy. V was shocked and assumed 'at my age' it was a surprise pregnancy. I reminded V I'm 36 in a few weeks and I've been married 4 years. It's the first time I've seen her speechless. She probed for details but I said nothing more than it had a been a rocky few years. It cheered her up and she rubbed my bump with a genuine smile.

In connection with my last post re secondary IF and TTC#2 after IF, V has had a rough time. Her 6 year old thought she was injecting Gonal F for cancer and 'mummy was dying' so she had to be told that it was to grow eggs to make a baby brother or sister. Then when the most recent cycle failed V and Dad had to break the news it didn't work but also that it never would and some families are only blessed with one child. Painful, so painful but as V pointed out not on the same scale as TTC#1.

I was saved by the bell, the doorbell, from our conversation as V got nosey for details just for gossips sake as  my friend arrived, 14 weeks pregnant after 1 ectopic and IVF #3. So we all sat round the table and talked about everything but our husbands sperm counts.

How can secondary infertility be worse than childlessness?

It just can't.

It would be impossible for anyone to know either so that's the first thing that bothers me about this. People, parents, say it hurts more TTC#2 without success as they know how wonderful it can be to be a parent and so they know what they are missing a second time around. Of course it's painful but in response to a rant of mine on this subject last year a wise woman who had one child via ICSI wrote (from memory) 'of course it hurts when you can't have another child, people never stop asking, your child never stops asking....when?....but at the end of the day you look at your life before when you were going through treatment and your study was a study not a nursery...my house is full of baby paraphernalia and baby noise and I'm accepted in a part of society I felt excluded from'.
So surely, while having one child not by choice is painful it is the difference between being a parent or not being a parent and that is huge! I wonder if people with secondary infertility would like to swap places with these childless people that it's 'easier' for?

ILCW number 98 and my 100th post

Thank you for visiting my blog this month if you're here for the 1st time...here's a bit about me.

• I'm 35 (for a few more weeks) and living with my, also English, husband in South America. It's been 2 years and we fly to the UK just once every 12 months.
• My due date is less than 6 weeks away and for the first time I'm starting to feel less guilty about my pregnancy. Until now anyone I've shared my pregnancy with has been informed that there was a long wait for this baby and usually followed up with an apology and an attempt to change the subject. 
• I think about number 2 and wish I was just a year or two younger...is it possible to this lucky twice in a life time? We have 2 embryos left, grade B when frozen. I'm mentally and practically prepared for my next fresh cycle and stopping breast feeding earlier than recommended to try to get the FET before turning 37 and if possible/necessary get going on stimulating those follicles before time slips away.
• I have a Dr who works as a gynaecologist-fertility specialist-obstetrician-midwife which means that he has been around for the last 18 months... from ordering tests, to recommending a fertility clinic, demonstrating the Gonal F pen, collecting my eggs, transferring 2 fresh embryos, confirming a BFN and breaking news I'd need a polypectomy under a GA thanks to injectables, encouraging me to find a little positivity before the FET, confirming a BFP, showing me a tiny black and white blob when bleeding started which later had a heart beat and grew just as it should, been available on his mobile 7 days a week and now....is 'on-call' for the delivery at the end of December. So different to the UK.
• I gave up my career, counselling/psychotherapy/non-clinical nursing for the NHS to move abroad and I reluctantly trained to teach English as a foreign language after my first failed cycle but have surprised myself by enjoying teaching adults (who want to learn). It was a last resort but I'm actually going to miss it in December.
• I haven't joined any mum-to-be/parent groups as my Spanish is not strong enough and the English speaking expats tend to be earning $ and £ and have nurseries, cars and birth plans in the same 3 hospitals in the city. Watching people I meet recoil in horror that we don't have a washing machine or a doula just taps into my insecurities about becoming a parent for the first time. I've compared my journey from the TTC stage to the UK and it can feel very lonely so I'm trying to go with the flow.
• Before this pregnancy my fantasies about becoming a mother all involved a daughter, there are no baby boys in our family but since becoming pregnant I felt I was carrying a boy and it is a boy. The idea of a son to me feels like a blank canvas, less expectations somehow and I feel a bond since finding out the sex. 
• I was sexually abused as a child by my Dad which, in my personal experience, remains more taboo, uncomfortable, painful then my IF experience but there are lots of parallels, both are isolating, complicated and exhausting to explain. I really want to breast feed but worry I will find it unbearable.
• I'm learning that nothing is perfect, there's more than one way of doing things. I am never going to stop worrying. Most importantly, after struggling with childlessness I feel lucky now to have the dilemmas I have towards the end of this pregnancy.

I'm far too sensitive...

I looked on a BC spreadsheet today, I haven't logged on for months. People were listing EDD and treatment history, at a glance it seems about 80% got a BFP the first time around. Then there were several people who got lucky on their 4th try but not much in between. I didn't add myself but I would have stood alone as 2nd time lucky (total of 4 embryos transferred) and I have a friend who is now 12 weeks pregnant, 3rd time lucky (total of 7 embryos transferred). Such a numbers game but if someone else stumbled on this it would give a false impression that doesn't match the stats we all know.

Anyway there was a thread about TTC #2 and I realised how some people's plans took for granted that there was another BFP in their batch of frozen embryos after getting pregnant the first time around. I returned to a private FB group which is the only site I routinely check now, it's 19 women from BC with EDD in December/January and this week the same post arrived. People were talking about sibling age gap preferences and getting their figure back and career issues. I was the only one who seemed keen to give the two frozen stragglers we have a chance at life ASAP and who felt it was a long shot to be so lucky, more than once in a life time.

A second post on the FB group was a rant about one of the posts in 'IVF' on BC. How dare some woman complain and cut herself off from family because a sister-in-law had BFP?...or similar. How could this woman not be happy for her sister in law? This was followed by two other women agreeing saying they never felt jealous or resentful about other people's pregnancies whilst dealing with infertility. Honestly, I can't understand how these women can't even muster up a little empathy even if they can't put themselves in this ladies angry, hurt shoes for a moment. If anyone should understand...

Is it because they got a BFP from the 1st attempt at IVF? Is it because at least 2 of these women are planning on saving their frozen embryos to try naturally for a BFP next time around as they have unexplained IF? I feel miles apart from these people.  One woman said 'I've never felt bitter about other peoples pregnancies as it's not my baby, why would I feel jealous?'.

For me, it's the role of Mother I want and always wanted, not the baby. After considering donor sperm and adoption I realise there's more to it all than just passing on genes. I felt envious and bitter about 'failing' to become a Mother. Like I'd worked harder than most to apply for the job yet other's fell into the role, accidentally, without research, effortlessly and were then promoted to Mum-of-two/three/four.

Sometimes I feel I've had more sensitivity from my friends who haven't faced IF than this group of 19. A lot of the women are on my FB too and they are posting twice a day at times, complaining about symptoms and delayed Mothercare deliveries. Maybe I'm too sensitive but I would never feel comfortable doing that or changing my profile picture to a bump photo or scan, it seems too in-yer-face. I'm dreaming of the day I can post a photo of me and my baby for friends and family to see, I'll put them in an album so people can look or not look. I won't change my profile picture to just a baby photo either without including myself in it, who wants to chat to a baby online when they really are only chatting to me?

I know I can't protect everyone from feeling hurt and my pregnancy will affect others no matter what but there are little things I can do or not do that will make a difference. I'm going to do another (second) ILCW this month and reckon if I describe my blog as 'pregnant after treatment' that it will be clear to those who are at a different stage in all this where I am and they can choose to read or not. I'm quite lonely in my expat life so I fancy returning to do a bit of blogging on here.

What's different about an IVF pregnancy?

This will vary of course from person to person but for me (and others I've spoken to) I've noticed that after IVF:

I am returning a day later to add another to the top of the list...

-A common question from those that knew about treatment...'So was it natural or IVF?'...I don't think people realise quite how exceptional a surprise pregnancy with our prognosis can be.

-Painful and uncomfortable symptoms are a blessing and not just something to be endured, reassuring signs that the pregnancy is progressing.

-There is still some isolation as not everyone will know the journey to conception and previous support from others having fertility treatment dwindles (understandably) so I've found it a funny place to be at times.

-Questions like 'how many children would you like?' are still painful, people are more likely now to ask about plans for siblings or cheeky questions about the conception, innocent comments assuming that your journey was as easy as theirs. I know a few folk with boys or girls who are hoping to have a child of the other sex to 'complete' their family and are stressed about it...still seems such a luxurious position to be in from where I'm standing. When people say 'next time...' to me I feel I could never be this lucky twice in a life time.

-people want to compare notes about ante natal care so are often fascinated by the extra meds/scans/rept HCG tests that happen after ET...I've been told more than once how lucky I am. And I am. But I still wonder how it must feel to not to have to try to get pregnant and then and get a positive test result the first time you pee on a stick followed by a scan 8 (virtually worry-free) weeks later to see a grey, fuzzy, foetus waving back at you.

-'IVF must steal some of the magic' someone said. I'm not sure I agree. It's different. I'm talking pregnancy not the 'trying' part. I think I see it as a less passive process and no step/milestone is taken for granted.

-Guilt. I've made sure I've informed all my friends individually about my news, in a particular order and avoided any public announcements or shocks. Often in emails so that the news can be digested in private. The way I would prefer it to be delivered. I have seen expressions on peoples faces to match my own on many an occasion in the past. 'Congratulations...' through gritted teeth before running to the bathroom.

-It's still hurts (as my last post says) effortless conceptions and moaning about the sacrifice of pregnancy are hard to take. I am still envious of people who get pregnant after their first attempt or who are having a second or third child via fertility treatment. Daft...and completely irrational I know.