Saturday, August 27, 2011

Good news for one, bad news for another and feeling mean.

As my next post says, I still feel the sting of other peoples effortless conceptions. To keep things in perspective I remind myself it's not a race, a competition etc. But what happens when it's my little (3 1/2 years younger) sister? Well it's something I'd anticipated in a year or two...but not now! Not 8 short weeks behind me...I still can't quite believe it.

Like all the other-people's-pregnancies I've dealt with, it's good news on one level but on another it touches a raw nerve. After a few days of feeling physically sick and beating myself up for feeling physically sick I realised what it was that bothered me about it.
1. That it was a shock. She had just moved in with a new boyfriend a month before the surprise BFP with a view to buying a flat and maybe talking about getting married in a year or two. I just didn't have time to brace myself for this news.
2. I'm terrified that I'm living abroad, far from friends and family and N is in Asia for 2 weeks when the baby will be just 4 weeks old. I had planned to treat my sister to a flight and holiday during that time for support and to spend time together. Now she will be 36 weeks pregnant so that's not happening. Her enthusiasm and support in becoming an Auntie just seems to have been swept away too.
3. I now realise that my sister wasn't using contraception and so the BFP could have occurred sooner. She was already 6 weeks pregnant when she finally peed on a stick. She had no idea when AF was due. Can you imagine the two week wait passing you by unnoticed ...subtract 2 more weeks of anxiety as well?! I'm very envious indeed! Ignorance is bliss as they say.
4. Daft as it may sound, I felt enormous pressure (though my Mum has never put pressure on me) to produce the first Grandchild and I felt equal relief this FET worked. I looked forward to passing my baby to my Mum's arms for her to experience something unique too. Now she will hold my sister's baby first in February (my Mum can't fly) and I will miss the whole thing too of course and no doubt see it all float by on good old Facebook.
5. Worst part. My sister decided at 9 weeks, just 5 days before I was due to land in the UK that she wanted to tell my Mum and I begged her to wait til I'd arrived and just sat with Mum for an hour an caught up before she called and dropped the bombshell but she didn't. It's a moment I'll never get back and the I feel my pregnancy had become half of 'the pregnancies' before I'd even landed.

I can see this from a rational point of view and that my Sister is still lovely and none of this is deliberate. But even the other IVF support group I told last week came out with all the cliches I'm enduring here in the UK...
-'oooh cousins...they can share every moment' (well no I live 1000s of miles away and actually I don't want to share)
-'ooh an must be so excited' (nope, I don't have the capacity for that amidst anxieties and hormones but it was something I had really looked forward to in the future).
We're both in a similar place in our life but in fact even further apart as we are both looking after number one which sounds daft but it's true.

As my friend said last week when I told her..."oh **...shit"...perfect reaction. Yes, it's great, I wouldn't wish IF on my sister and when I've safely delivered this growing baby and settled a bit I will have the capacity to be a good Auntie...but right now...I just wish this could have happened in 2012. Of course, I still realise how lucky I am after the journey N and I had to get here too!


  1. awww you are not being mean. I can totally relate. My husband and I have been trying everything to have a baby, ivf, acupuncture, supplements. His two best friends' wives got pregnant this year. They both said they weren't planning it and it was an "oops". They know of our stuggle with infertility and sometimes I wish my hubby hadn't said anything to either of them. I felt like saying I wish I had an oops. When I had a miscarriage a friend of my husband phoned to invite us to her wedding and she said she was pregnant and her due date was the same as mine would have been. It is natural for you to feel the way you do. I agree your baby should have been your mum's first grandchild. Hang in there :)

  2. Ah thank you Chantal! That's such painful timing with your husband's friends pregnancy! Really hard!