Sunday, May 29, 2011

Week 9

I had a lovely spotting-free week at week 8 but it returned on Wednesday (just gone) and was pinker like the first time, accompanied by back ache and a new level of symptoms. I've been in bed most of the week and ended up calling Dr P on Thursday to see if he thought the back ache could be a urine infection. (He said yes and he was right).

He was due to finish his list in an hour and a half but said if I could get to the clinic in time he could fit me in...maybe do a scan and save a visit tomorrow. Well, like lightning I showered dressed, tidied my nether regions for my close up, jumped in a taxi (sod the expense), and I was en route to the 'GP's' to collect my routine 'early pregnancy' time to flag another cab to catch Dr P in time for a good hour-long session that I think in the UK they call 'booking in' and is of course done by a Midwife. It was a relief to see the heart beat again and the growth.

Now it's the next milestone and there are some big tests to come...but that's another post.


I've really struggled in the last few weeks, especially before the 9 week scan.

Working, socialising and all the things that got me through the last cycle really helped my mood. I learned a big lesson from my first failed cycle where I completely isolated myself and the time dragged. The trouble right now is I feel so nauseous and dizzy I'm struggling to get out and about. I don't want to tell my small collection of friends here about the pregnancy yet because of the spotting but at the same time I have cancelled so many last minute plans because of the spotting, I find when it comes I like to stay indoors until I am satisfied it's following the normal pattern and isn't turning red.

I know if this all works out that I'll tell people eventually but one or two I can tell are pissed of with my flaky-ness. I've unconsciously surrounded myself with people without babies this past year in a new country. So most of my friends are going away for the weekend or doing something that involves booze everything starts at 22:00, which is when my day now ends. To avoid letting people down I've started making excuses not to attend anything. My boss, who had to cover my classes twice at short notice last week (first time migraine, second time 'infection...both are true) is waiting for me to reply to his email yesterday as to whether I'll be back to work tomorrow....honestly...I don't know?!

Poor N is working really long hours and food shopping, cooking and taking the laundry etc. There is not much 'convenience' in this country so everything takes twice as long and the time adds up. The simple things we used to enjoy are not possible at the moment. My continuous nausea means I can only stomach one or two things and so I don't fancy eating out and walking, well I'm ok but very, very slowly. The other day I had a window where I felt starving so we went out, N said how about here and I couldn't make a decision, 'in or outside' he said and I just barked...'I don't know, I don't care just decide and show me the chair and I'll sit in it'. It's hard to explain to N why I'm behaving this way. Since week 7 I've been spending a lot of time in bed because we don't have any nice seating in our living room. I turn the bedside light on because I've had a few headaches and I know N is next door tutting, thinking I should be outside a cafe somewhere, guzzling away for 2!

Week 6-7, more spotting, hibernating and a heart beat.

By the time I had my 6 week scan I was dated about 7 weeks and told to return at 9 weeks.

The brown spotting had returned twice and each time tailed off but as my symptoms grew stronger each time it was more frightening and found myself terrified. I managed to book the scan at 10.30am when in fact Dr P had told me he started work at 14.00. So at 11:00 as I rocked back and forth in the waiting room thinking 'what's taking so long/why are my boobs not sore/what is that shooting pain in my hip/how will I leave the clinic if it's bad news/how will I look after N/if it's OK will I tell my Mum?'...when the receptionist passed me the phone as it was Dr P saying 'um...I'm on the other side of town, can you come back'.

I took this as a bad sign and felt like I couldn't cope with the wait, I think it goes down in history as one of the most stressful moments in my life. I kept thinking it could be ok, to just keep busy until then but the brown spotting was haunting me....old blood is ok they tell me....but it must be fresh, new blood at some point, so where is it coming from?

Finally, back in the good old lithotomy position, the dildocam is in place and Dr P is measuring, the machine is beeping, I am straining my ears over the piped, chill out music to hear the magical moment the heart beat appears, that I have read so much about, one woman said she could see hers but not hear it so maybe that's what will happen...45 seconds has passed...deep breaths. Again, the screen swings round and everything looks so different, my uterus is twice the size and the grey blob looks like two grey blobs on top of one another and the bottom one is flickering. Dr P is talking about such and such weeks and so many millimetres but I can't hear anything I'm just waiting for him to say 'heart beat' and he does as he points to the flicker. I feel relief, breifly, no tears of joy no elation, just that right now today, I'm pregnant but why the hell am I spotting?

I manage to eat something in this brief window of relief and N tells me a friend has offered him a free holiday in the Maldives as his wife can't go. I say of course that's fine. I would go if I could and if all this work out N's responsibilities could be so different this time next year and I know he would want me to go if it were the other way round.

Week, spotting, yolk sacs and sheer panic.

The first week since my 2 pink lines was lovely but ended in terror. Scary, exciting and surreal to begin with, I felt confident with my symptoms and felt so positive. I had promised myself I would take this approach and as the doubling HCG levels rolled in, it was easy-ish. I walked each day, worked, rested and spent time with N, trying to keep our excitement under control. I had booked my 6 week scan (6.6) and knew that a heart beat makes it 'official', I saw that as the next milestone.

At approx 4.6, one dark Sunday morning, I started feeling a bit crampy, hot tummy, constipation easing perhaps and I nipped off to the loo to be greeted with watery, brownish, pinky-red spotting. My whole life flashed before my eyes and the words 'how long until the next FET' flashed across my tunnel vision. I told N, who's reaction I'll never forget and shakily called my Dr. 'I'm bleeding'......'what?....yes, yes it's significant'. A minute later I turned to N, 'he said if it gets heavier go to A&E, he'll scan me tomorrow and I need to go for a repeat blood HCG on the way'. Off to bed as Dr ordered with a pad and I turned off the lights and just breathed, in and out, trying to slow my heart down.

About an hour later, those few tiny mls of 'stuff' had not returned, each time I went to the bathroom I was greeted with pale brown PV loss. Much of this is pessary residue I must add. Those of you who have used these will know how messy they are. Dr P told me to increase them from 8hrly to 6hrly so I found myself very uncomfortable indeed but gradually hope was returning. There was no 'red' and things were tailing off. By the morning.

On route to the clinic my boobs were so sore and I felt really nauseous, PV loss was now just pessary (with a brown tinge). My Dr popped in the dildo cam and I could hear the beeps of him measuring something, sounded just like measuring my follicles as the eggs were growing. He swung the screen round and I was full of hope before my eyes even adjusted, he seemed so confident. 'There's your baby, measuring just right for your dates with this do you say...sack?!, can't see anything bleeding anywhere'...phew.

Dr P thinks it's burrowing/implantation and that if it returns I should rest. I feel reassured for a day of two. A little surprised it's just one as my HCG was so high but a little relieved that things look OK and I wasn't 'loosing' a twin. Another mini milestone and mini celebration.


I have moved my blog and just tested it out, I can't access it via the old address. Fingers crossed everyone following it will still be able to see posts and therefore it's (almost) anonymous. Over the past year I have shared my blog with one or two people in my day to day life, mainly those who have battled infertility in the hope that they will draw some comfort from it.

However, as I was faced at last with announcing a pregnancy I found I couldn't 'blog' about it as some of my followers are close friends and I wanted to tell them my news, gently, via email/letter as planned, so I've been a bit cut off. Also, I want to wait until reaching week 12 before telling people too.

Anyway, with the 12 week milestone still a few weeks away, it's nice to have this space back again.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Thank you

Thank you to my handful of 'anonymous' followers for your BC messages and emails. I had to delete my last post as this blog is not anonymous and I realised after posting that I'm not ready to give any updates yet about my recent FET and other treatment related stuff on here. You can see latest developments on BC. I hope to be back again at some point. Until then, I will continue to look in from time to time and wish you all the best at your various stages of treatment. :)