Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Dreams of infertility...last minute panic

I have a reoccurring dream where I have a baby but I've left it somewhere, in my handbag, the supermarket or the pub and I spend the rest of the dream trying to find it as it gradually gets smaller and smaller. I had always attributed these nightmares to a feeling of overwhelming responsibility (my job perhaps) after a bit of DIY dream analysis. These past few months the baby is bigger, often a baby boy with colourful clothes and hair and it has it's own smell too.
I recently read about a lady who had a terrible car accident. While emergency services set about cutting her free from the tangled mess she heard and saw a child, calling to her, telling her it wasn't time to die yet as there was a new life around the corner. Months later she discovered she was pregnant.
I'm not sure why this dream is becoming more vivid but these days I wake with a pang of guilt and a wave of nausea. It's the same feeling as knowing I have left an important assignment to the last minute and it's too late for an extension. A feeling of loss of control, on trial as though someone somewhere is about to determine my fate and that person/thing/whatever is shaking it's head and looking very disappointed indeed.
I suppose I'm waiting for nature to take it's course and I'm acutely aware that waiting until my mid 30's to try and conceive is not as nature intended.

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