Lucky me indeed

I've had a lovely holiday from my blog. I've checked other peoples blogs to see how things are going of course. It's been nice to rejoin the real world, time has flown and I have restored some perspective. I hate that this blog has become all about infertility but at least my whole life doesn't have to be about inf...! It's impossible to move on fully in these times of uncertainty but all these 'childless days' are also 'childfree days', just days drifting by and I don't want to waste any more of them wishing them away between appointments.

What's taken me by surprise about not being able to conceive naturally or at all possibly, is that I feel so bitter and twisted and can't cope with pregnancies and new parents. I suppose it's common and apparently 'normal' but this is something I want to challenge in therapy. I don't want to live this 'half a life' until I finally have a baby or until I give up on trying to have a baby. That would fill me with more regret in my old age than not having children at all. Thinking I let years pass by, waiting for something to happen.

I've never worried before about being different. I didn't go to university with my peers or study, until later. I didn't have a gap year but travelled later and I never minded listening to peoples tales of far away places. I enjoyed my single days too, never in a rush to settle down, never 'needed' a boyfriend. I lost count of the number of times I've heard people say 'you can't know what it's like unless you've been....... to a full moon party, climbed Sydney Harbour Bridge at sunrise, crapped yourself on a train in India or walked down the aisle to meet your future husband'.

Quite frankly I never cared. I never looked at the bride and wished it were me. I had no interest in the man she was marrying. I also felt the same about Motherhood. One day, yes please! I would have been devastated not have the choice but I was in no rush either. I saw other peoples babies indifferently. They were not mine so I had no feelings of envy there either. I had all these experiences, eventually, except for crapping myself in public thankfully and so I never really worried.

It's a shame that the path to parenthood has a time limit on it. Then again perhaps I'd put it off forever if it did, waiting, procrastinating, enjoying myself too much to get on with it. Appreciating my life just the way it is. Perhaps it's not 'on the cards' for me. For now, I need to enjoy my time while I wait and see...