Since talking to the therapist I feel I have more perspective again and am less upset at other peoples pregnancies (most of the time), I'm not jumping for joy with happiness, it's still hard but I'm loosing the 'it should be me' aspect. I've never really envied other peoples lives or relationships so it was something I wanted to tackle...other peoples babies.
I still feel it, IVF, post miscarriage or easy, effortless first timers.... it all hurts ...but once the child is grown up and no longer a baby, I find it easier for one reason or another. Before I started IVF I reserved those gut wrenching feelings for pregnancies following an effortless conception but the moment I started injecting myself to get my ovaries working overtime I got 'fertility report' envy on the BC website and others...why do other people have more follicles/eggs collected/top grade embryos than us? And ever since my failed cycle I find IVF success stories just as painful. It took me by surprise really. Anyway I'm working on it all and feeling 10 times happier.
This is not a comparison, just one of the many things that amazes me when I think back to my old job, it involved children, babies and bereavement so I don't talk about it much. I spoke to one Mum whose son had died, so I could say good bye and hand over to the person in line for my job before I left for South America. She told me she had had a bad weekend, her sister had announced she was pregnant. I almost jumped in with my own assumptions but kept a professional head and said it sounded hard, what was the hardest part about it? The Mother told me, it's not the pregnancy, it's that I wanted to shout with happiness and tell my son but he's gone, he will never meet this child, his cousin and the worst part his cousin will never meet him. Everyone thinks I am upset by the pregnancy but it's not my child, it will never be and so I feel no envy at all.
I'll keep working on it, it's a natural feeling , envy, so I'm trying to forgive myself and I find that helps and focus on what it is that's really bothering me and then the envy dissipates and I don't dwell for so long on FB updates. I think it will always be a little hard...
Glad that you're feeling better and a little more able to cope with other people's pregnancies.. I still find it hard though not quite as emotional as in the past.
ReplyDeleteHoping your FET goes well xx
That's good you feel not quite as emotional as in the past and you are full of positivity as your first cycle progresses...great to hear...all the best to you too!
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