While this anonymous blog space is essential for me I'm determined not hide the truth completely so this blog allows me to gather myself periodically in a world where most of my life changing moments are the greatest taboos and downright uncomfortable to hear. So here are the words and pictures to my story so far...
Saturday, April 2, 2011
The latest taboo
To continue the theme from my other post, I have been thinking about all the bad examples of Parenthood I have had in my life. I've quickly forgotten these since struggling to conceive, as that has become a bigger worry and hence the idea of Motherhood is now a fantasy in soft focus. For the Mum's I know, all negative comments are ignored and dismissed as ungrateful and all beaming smiles and bumps and bundles marked as smug as I dream of swapping places.
I wonder how other people imagine their life to be if they already had a child. Do people focus on babies and baby related activities. Family scenes or pivotal events; first smile, first words, first day at school, wedding day...all of the above, I'm sure. The longer I am unsuccessful in this journey, the more I focus on the happy ideals. But I wonder how, those of us who don't have a child and are still waiting to get pregnant, imagine our lives would look if we had become pregnant...........say...3 months after starting to try and conceive. How would it look right now? If there was a way to measure happiness and such a tool existed, would today be any better with a child? When I saw my therapist last I explained my strange existence since starting to try for a baby. From that first month, June 2009 (well May in fact but I was a week post ovulation and blissfully unaware that month didn't count) I felt my life separated into two parallel worlds, one with a growing pregnancy and one without (the reality). The childless existence seemed dark and empty and the imaginary life was perfect. Feeding my baby in a high chair while N leaves for work, whistling a merry tune and wiping away some mashed baby food that has found it's way onto his suit. Radio in the background and some sort of baby activity with friends planned in the afternoon.
I feel I am now on a mission for the ideals we see on FB and TV and seemingly perfect moments with friends kids. I want this treatment to work soon so I can begin my imaginary, perfect life. So I started weighing up the pros and cons again, regardless of the fact my choice has been (almost) removed.
I typed 'Do you regret having children' into google and managed to find the thread on mumsnet that sparked so many news articles and topics for chat shows around the time I left the UK. The more the thread developes, the more honest people become. This is how a lot of Mum's really feel; lost, fed up, depressed and unappreciated. I know it won't last forever and it hasn't put me off but it's another insight into a world I have no first hand experience of. It just helped me put things in perspective.
I love the comment from one woman on mumsnet who feels a gut wrenching jealous pang when she sees pictures of friends out and about, seemingly carefree, on FB while she is stuck at home and wondering if her relationship will survive the stresses and strains of having a small child. It's incredible to think some people would actually not have children if they had a time machine. As one woman says it's a taboo subject, to admit your life isn't great, even when you are lucky enough to be fertile.
I have a lot more perspective now, generally. I am not wishing my childless/childfree days away but treasuring them. I want to get pregnant, I really hope it happens soon and N and I are blessed with a healthy child. Until then, I'm enjoying my life, I'm learning so much and accepting things are the way they are and viewing them in a more positive slant.