Monday, November 21, 2011

ILCW number 98 and my 100th post

Thank you for visiting my blog this month if you're here for the 1st's a bit about me.
  • I'm 35 (for a few more weeks) and living with my, also English, husband in South America. It's been 2 years and we fly to the UK just once every 12 months.
  • My due date is less than 6 weeks away and for the first time I'm starting to feel less guilty about my pregnancy. Until now anyone I've shared my pregnancy with has been informed that there was a long wait for this baby and usually followed up with an apology and an attempt to change the subject. 
  • I think about number 2 and wish I was just a year or two it possible to this lucky twice in a life time? We have 2 embryos left, grade B when frozen. I'm mentally and practically prepared for my next fresh cycle and stopping breast feeding earlier than recommended to try to get the FET before turning 37 and if possible/necessary get going on stimulating those follicles before time slips away.
  • I have a Dr who works as a gynaecologist-fertility specialist-obstetrician-midwife which means that he has been around for the last 18 months... from ordering tests, to recommending a fertility clinic, demonstrating the Gonal F pen, collecting my eggs, transferring 2 fresh embryos, confirming a BFN and breaking news I'd need a polypectomy under a GA thanks to injectables, encouraging me to find a little positivity before the FET, confirming a BFP, showing me a tiny black and white blob when bleeding started which later had a heart beat and grew just as it should, been available on his mobile 7 days a week and 'on-call' for the delivery at the end of December. So different to the UK.
  • I gave up my career, counselling/psychotherapy/non-clinical nursing for the NHS to move abroad and I reluctantly trained to teach English as a foreign language after my first failed cycle but have surprised myself by enjoying teaching adults (who want to learn). It was a last resort but I'm actually going to miss it in December.
  • I haven't joined any mum-to-be/parent groups as my Spanish is not strong enough and the English speaking expats tend to be earning $ and £ and have nurseries, cars and birth plans in the same 3 hospitals in the city. Watching people I meet recoil in horror that we don't have a washing machine or a doula just taps into my insecurities about becoming a parent for the first time. I've compared my journey from the TTC stage to the UK and it can feel very lonely so I'm trying to go with the flow.
  • Before this pregnancy my fantasies about becoming a mother all involved a daughter, there are no baby boys in our family but since becoming pregnant I felt I was carrying a boy and it is a boy. The idea of a son to me feels like a blank canvas, less expectations somehow and I feel a bond since finding out the sex. 
  • I was sexually abused as a child by my Dad which, in my personal experience, remains more taboo, uncomfortable, painful then my IF experience but there are lots of parallels, both are isolating, complicated and exhausting to explain. I really want to breast feed but worry I will find it unbearable.
  • I'm learning that nothing is perfect, there's more than one way of doing things. I am never going to stop worrying. Most importantly, after struggling with childlessness I feel lucky now to have the dilemmas I have towards the end of this pregnancy.


  1. So much covered here. Not long now until you meet your baby boy. Funny since I live in the UK I compare things with Sweden of course. Sounds so great to have one dr that follows you all the way. And so sorry to hear about the abuse, must be so hard still.

  2. Hoping that your upcoming "wonderful things" will diminish the hurt of the past. You are one strong lady and because of this will be the BEST OF MOMMYS! Looking forward to some exciting news in a few weeks time!

  3. You've got a lot to look forward to...and even though it won't make you forget the past, it will help ease the pain. The baby groups and contact with other mothers will come... we adopted a two year old and I had a really hard time trying to find mummy friends - but I'm getting there. Good luck.

  4. It's impossible to know what kind of parent one will be. You don't need all the stuff people have. You need love and patience. I'm wishing you an easy birth and a happy life with your husband and son! iclw 59

  5. Thank you all, there is rather a lot of info here, thank you for reading and for your kind comments too...

  6. Here from ICLW: It sounds like you have A LOT going on but I wish you lots of luck. You seem very thoughtful and I think that is an important quality in a good parent :)

  7. Happy ICLW!! You are in the home stretch now!!!

    That is great that you have had the same doctor the whole way along!!!

    ICLW #68

  8. hoping the last couple weeks of your pregnancy are peaceful. and hoping your little boy is all you ever wished for

  9. Hello, I am stopping by from the ICLW! Congrats on your soon to join you little boy. I was the same way when it came to dreaming about my family. I dreamed of a little girl but ended up with a handsome little man.

    As for breastfeeding just do as much as you can. The first part was very hard for me but I have now be breastfeeding my son for 21 months. Never thought that would happen. The first bit is all about survival.

    Wishing you the best ICLW #16

  10. Hi luckyme,

    While I have never shared your experience with infertility. I have survived childhood sexual abuse. I was blessed with two children and I breast fed them both. It was a wonderful bonding experience.I didn't deal with any flashback of the abuse while breast feeding. Your focus is so on your child that nothing else interferes. Good luck, Rosie