Monday, November 7, 2011

I'm far too sensitive...

I looked on a BC spreadsheet today, I haven't logged on for months. People were listing EDD and treatment history, at a glance it seems about 80% got a BFP the first time around. Then there were several people who got lucky on their 4th try but not much in between. I didn't add myself but I would have stood alone as 2nd time lucky (total of 4 embryos transferred) and I have a friend who is now 12 weeks pregnant, 3rd time lucky (total of 7 embryos transferred). Such a numbers game but if someone else stumbled on this it would give a false impression that doesn't match the stats we all know.

Anyway there was a thread about TTC #2 and I realised how some people's plans took for granted that there was another BFP in their batch of frozen embryos after getting pregnant the first time around. I returned to a private FB group which is the only site I routinely check now, it's 19 women from BC with EDD in December/January and this week the same post arrived. People were talking about sibling age gap preferences and getting their figure back and career issues. I was the only one who seemed keen to give the two frozen stragglers we have a chance at life ASAP and who felt it was a long shot to be so lucky, more than once in a life time.

A second post on the FB group was a rant about one of the posts in 'IVF' on BC. How dare some woman complain and cut herself off from family because a sister-in-law had BFP?...or similar. How could this woman not be happy for her sister in law? This was followed by two other women agreeing saying they never felt jealous or resentful about other people's pregnancies whilst dealing with infertility. Honestly, I can't understand how these women can't even muster up a little empathy even if they can't put themselves in this ladies angry, hurt shoes for a moment. If anyone should understand...

Is it because they got a BFP from the 1st attempt at IVF? Is it because at least 2 of these women are planning on saving their frozen embryos to try naturally for a BFP next time around as they have unexplained IF? I feel miles apart from these people.  One woman said 'I've never felt bitter about other peoples pregnancies as it's not my baby, why would I feel jealous?'.

For me, it's the role of Mother I want and always wanted, not the baby. After considering donor sperm and adoption I realise there's more to it all than just passing on genes. I felt envious and bitter about 'failing' to become a Mother. Like I'd worked harder than most to apply for the job yet other's fell into the role, accidentally, without research, effortlessly and were then promoted to Mum-of-two/three/four.

Sometimes I feel I've had more sensitivity from my friends who haven't faced IF than this group of 19. A lot of the women are on my FB too and they are posting twice a day at times, complaining about symptoms and delayed Mothercare deliveries. Maybe I'm too sensitive but I would never feel comfortable doing that or changing my profile picture to a bump photo or scan, it seems too in-yer-face. I'm dreaming of the day I can post a photo of me and my baby for friends and family to see, I'll put them in an album so people can look or not look. I won't change my profile picture to just a baby photo either without including myself in it, who wants to chat to a baby online when they really are only chatting to me?

I know I can't protect everyone from feeling hurt and my pregnancy will affect others no matter what but there are little things I can do or not do that will make a difference. I'm going to do another (second) ILCW this month and reckon if I describe my blog as 'pregnant after treatment' that it will be clear to those who are at a different stage in all this where I am and they can choose to read or not. I'm quite lonely in my expat life so I fancy returning to do a bit of blogging on here.


  1. I do understand and no, you are not too sensitive.

    "One woman said 'I've never felt bitter about other peoples pregnancies as it's not my baby, why would I feel jealous?'."

    Well, that's a perfect reason - because it's NOT your baby. There's were the jealousy is isn't it? At least for me but that might be mean in some peoples eyes. Maybe they don't want to admit it. Maybe it doesn't affect them at all. Who knows, I don't understand it either.

  2. I've come across a lot of comments like those on BC from women who just don't understand IF.. in the past I would comment and try to help them to see how hard it is to deal with other's BFPs, but it was clear that they didn't (and never would) get it.. I would love to have been in their state of blissful ignorance :) xx

  3. The weird thing about this is ALL the women had IF treatment they were not from the general board...v odd.