Hola

I think I've lost my tiny blog following all together in my attempt to shake off a few unwanted followers. I plan to get involved in the comment week that everyone has gone in for in the last few months, I feel I should make more effort and be braver to share and not take it personally that I don't get many comments which sometimes puts me off getting the blog out there, I always wonder why this would be of interest to anyone but before my motivation was for my friends who were following, is was more personal than FB and more discrete but as I'm not ready to announce my pregnancy yet I'm trying to use it anonymously as it's quite lonely being pregnant so far from home when you can't tell anyone and I have the scars of IVF, a failed cycle, mc and my recent spotting. None for 10 days now...please, please stay away!

It's like I posted a while back on BC and said I was finding the uncertainty and spotting hard to deal with, mentally, I was really clear that I had been fully checked out and had been told was just one of those things, it hadn't changed and had in fact got better but generally I was afraid, lonely and I talked a bit about being an expat and how things were different here. My response from half a dozen people was go to an EPU if you're worried. This was not helpful as if I went to an EPU every time I worried I may as well set up camp in the USS room, insert dildocam until HB detected and wait...I suppose I was more hoping to hear I wasn't alone or other ways people deal with uncertainty. The comments were well meant of course.

I'm hoping the brown spotting will not return and that the 12 weeks scan will bring confidence and allow me to tell close friends and family. This will be followed by lots of apologies for basically disappearing and turning down every social invitation I've had for the past 6 weeks. I did so well post FET, I was out and about, even at 5 weeks but by week 6 I've been permanently 'sick' and useless. Not that I'm complaining about symptoms, they are my best friend these days, very reassuring.

For now I'm booking tests for early signs of abnormalities and this is a welcome distraction from my current 2ww. It's scary but in a different way to the uncertainty of IF. And while the old dildocam without printer and my very cautious 'let's take it little by little' words from my Doctor seemed to have robbed me of the tearful joyous 6 week/9 weeks scans that I keep reading about.... in it's place I have a 'carnet perinatal', it has all my measurements, due date and numbers to call in an emergency. It's something solid to hold that says 'you're pregnant' and that makes me v emotional every time I see it. From joy, relief, tearfulness and fear. It changes moment to moment.