Shh...I'm mentally flying this plane!

Amongst my many fears is flying. This is a bridge to cross once I know how my 12 week scan is (8 days to go and counting down every 6 hourly progesterone suppository to get me there). People often ask me what I'm afraid of? Take-off, landing, turbulence? It's the moment it starts down the run way, the engine gets louder and you feel yourself pinned a little tighter to your seat. From this moment on...I am out of control.

I imagine jumping out of my seat and walking uphill towards the airhostess who might be duty bound to restrain me, or perhaps at this stage I would be ordered to sit down and she would call the Captain (locked in his cabin) to warn him a passenger is on the loose. The fact is...I can't get off. On a coach or train I can demand that we stop. A boat? Dunno...launch a life boat? At least I can walk on deck and breath the oxygen at a normal altitude.  Short flights over land are not so worrying either. My first ever flight was London to Belfast and a passenger had a heart attack half way and we landed so fast it was incredible, there was the ambulance, ready and waiting. But long haul....over the desert/mountains/ocean...makes my head spin.

I finally got to grips with this when I flew alone, London to Bangkok. Fresh from the last page of Allen Carr's 'The Easy Way to Enjoy Flying' I felt reassured by each chapter, tackling the many 'what ifs'. My favourite...'what if a wing falls off? Well, then you crash but this has not happened in the history of commercial flights' (or similar). Once on board the air hostess announced a delay and asked if anyone would like to meet the Captain. Well, according to Allen Carr this can be v useful in overcoming one's fears. I jumped up and was led through the cabin by a smirking air hostess. I found myself standing behind a small child was showing the pilot his teddy and explaining he was called Joshua and he was 5. I turned on my heal to find a queue of parents and kids so I had to walk in and say 'I'm **, I'm 27 and I'm a very nervous flyer'. It did help. I was still terrified mid air but considered if I could keep mentally flying this plane all the way, I managed 2 hours then my feet relaxed to the ground, I sank back in the chair, I stopped sensing every movement. What if...? What if indeed. What could I do? I gave in, I let go, I slept.

I am getting these moments of giving in now, there are so many what ifs that I can't control. I try to follow advice. I take my medication every 6 hours. I appreciate that I'm not spotting right now. I try to let myself fall asleep, enjoy a film or book, enjoy a fantasy that this may actually work out. Let go of the things I can't control in the world.