Thursday, March 3, 2011
Having a break...
A lovely break, I'm looking forward to it. This blog has been so useful to me and I still have much more to blog about but for now I'm having a rest. In January my life disappeared and became all about treatment. In February it gradually came back and I want to keep it that way. I can't remember the last time I routinely checked any of the fertility websites and I feel better for it, I have never been a big fan. In January, my intense treatment regime fuelled the posts on the blog but lately it's the other way round and my posts are fuelling unwanted fertility related thoughts. Time for a change.
Since I've spent less time blogging I've begun to reinvest in the real world. I occasionally get the urge to log on to other websites and then I ask myself why? It's purely habit and always leaves me feeling crap. It reinforced all my fears and brings new anxieties to light. Occasionally it's a good resource for questions but I'm learning to rely on N and the Doctors here, check against the NICE guidelines and lean on friends, even fertile ones. They don't know how I feel but then nor do the infertile ones. My quest to find somewhere I belonged in this situation has left me feeling so isolated because I've been looking in all the wrong places.
I've let myself become defined by my (in)fertility status and life has been put on hold, waiting for it to begin with a pregnancy, happy feelings accompanied by 'ifs, buts and if onlys' when really right now I am happy, I'm healthy and I'm lucky and I'm letting life pass me by feeling stuck, waiting, in limbo. So I'm challenging that. The times in between treatments are a gift not to be squandered. However this story ends, I will never regret the money, time and energy used in trying to conceive (past, present or future) but I will regret wasting the time in between.
This week on Facebook I found pictures of, 'Elena' an old school friend who died in 2006 from a brain tumour. We were thick as thieves, we spent every lunch hour, comparing sandwiches (her's were always better), in some field or a disused class room, planning our future... until we turned 15, we discovered boys, we fought, we had deep dark secrets buried in our middle class homes and drifted apart. In 2004 we collided again when I was on my lunch break in the hospital gardens. Still beautiful, I recognised her instantly, it never occurred to me she could be a patient, certainly not having chemo to buy herself some time.
So we sat, ate our sandwiches, and talked of the past instead of the future, filled in the gaps, said 'Sorry' and laughed at the wrath of 15 year old girls. We didn't have the babies we'd planned and we still felt too young. Elena was single and sad about it. I had just met N and downplayed the fact I imagined I had met someone to spend the rest of my life with. Then she and I parted. I wanted to share my fears for the future, I'd missed her so much and I wanted to know all about her future hopes and dreams but her future was more uncertain than I can ever imagine. That was the last time I saw her. One last lunch break. She used to dare me to run into the middle of a field and shout, she'd say 'go on...who cares' and we were always late back to class, 'who wants to be stuck inside when we have this lovely afternoon?'. Quite right!
Well I have a few more appointments but afterwards I have nice things planned to do. I'm looking forward to my next transfer and equally to the time in between. I've got so much to do, even with no money and being tied to a few dates in my diary.
I look forward to catching up soon. Infertility and all the treatment that goes with it is still a big part of my life so feel free to email (China Girl any questions re short protocol for example). Take care everyone. Hasta luego!