Thursday, March 17, 2011

Me & my blog

I've enjoyed my holiday from this blog, I still am. It's nice to be busy again, studying.I feel more like ME and not a patient or 'someone having IVF'. I read through some of my old blog posts. I still can't read January's posts, the excitement mid month after fertilization is too painful and I can't bear to relive the bloody ending either.

I've considered how useful the blog is, and was to me on this journey. It has been an excellent way of keeping (a small selection) of friends up to date, while I'm away. If I had had this experience in England, I would probably have written a diary instead.

In the beginning, sick of being asked about my fertility status I told a lot of people politely, to bugger off. Other, carefully selected friends, were given the link to this blog. It saved me repeating myself in this complex journey and friends used it wisely, as intended, without prompting. Logging on frequently, sending emails and texts after specific posts and wishing me luck for egg collection etc.

I hadn't anticipated any anonymous followers, it was comforting at first, I pimped my blog out (under my BC stats) and picked up a few more. I started feel like... maybe this online 'IVF community' everyone seemed to be drawing strength from was going to feel real to me. I accepted sprinklings of baby dust with out wincing and cyber ((hugs)) without cringing. Perhaps I was becoming less technophobic?

Then the cycle ended, officially, marked in blood...everyone disappeared. N had to work, long days and very few friends got in touch for a day or two, most waited for me to make the first move. I acknowledged this loneliness finally on my blog when I realised friends were still reading but not contacting me directly...I am my own worst enemy.

I had used this blog to keep people at a safe distance and now no one wanted to make the first move and I found myself alone. There were some kind comments from regular followers but the fact stats dropped by about 90% after I confirmed I was not pregnant....fair-weather-followers...logging on each day until it gets boring. It's human nature and I have never met these people, I know it's not personal.

So, this blog still has a place in my life and I will dip in and out of other peoples blogs and hope I can be helpful at times to them too. But it doesn't make me feel less lonely. I'm still afraid to be COMPLETELY honest when I write on here which is one of it's limitations.

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