Monday, December 5, 2011


Today I had a scan, at 37 (almost) weeks and it helped things feel more real. At first everything looked the same as 20 and 24 weeks. The view at 12-13 weeks is so magical but I've found the scans here from 20 weeks are just measurements of organs and I've had to ask the Dr if I want to see a glimpse of the face which is only possible in sections. But today we got told the estimated weight, 3.202kg and it really helped to know that, it felt like I'd done something right, it felt very real, that it had grown so much and was already a healthy weight should it arrive early.

I've definitely had a touch of the blues recently and started thinking weird thoughts about what may have appeared on the scan and I've felt guilty as it seems wrong to be anything but 101% happy being pregnant after all these years. Now I feel better I can see that I am very happy about the pregnancy but naturally anxious about life outside it as there's a lot going on. I will just share one aspect...

My husbands job has been axed so we don't know where (we have to leave the country) or how we'll be living after March. We can't afford to move back to our old place we rent out in London on one wage so it's going to be a struggle. We may head North in England or keep living overseas but my husbands job is unusual and badly paid so options are limited. For the future FET which doesn't hold much hope statistically being the weakest of the batch, we can now add £2000 to the existing costs of treatment, in flights back to South America. I'm sure we'll find some funds somewhere but it's very unsettling to not know where we are going with a little, tiny one in this stage.

But, we still feel like the luckiest people alive at the moment and if IF isn't the best training to living with uncertainty I don't know what is.


  1. Glad that you're feeling better and happier about the pregnancy and the soon-to-be-here baby :) Sorry to hear about the job situation though.. I hope you manage to work out a plan soon. In my more 'zen-like' days, I like to think that everything happens for a reason, but that's harder some days than others. I've also wondered what we will do about our frozen embies in China now we live away (and who knows where we'll be when we want to use them)... but, like you said, uncertainty seems to come with the territory! xx

  2. Ah thanks...yes feel it all happens for a reason somehow or at least there are positive slants to it all. We may get our free cycle on the NHS before I turn 37, who knows x