Monday, June 20, 2011
The odd one out
I've always felt like the odd one out, my upbringing was quite unusual. It started to work in my favour when I reached my late teens, I then went on to embrace it. Now, this feeling, can trigger a lot of insecurity. Not being able to conceive without reproductive medicine (as a couple) has resurrected a lot of dark feelings and memories. Throw in living abroad with a poor grasp of the language and everything feels foreign.
My 12 week scan was every bit as special as the others, more reassuring to see real moving limbs than the little 'grey shrimp' with a flickering heart this time. It felt a very personal moment despite the dildocam and I requested N's presence too. This was his first glimpse of the tiny one but also of my legs in stirrups and I think that made it extra surreal for him. I had to also request a fuzzy image which the Dr downloaded to a memory stick and emailed. I think here people wait for the next scan, he seemed surprised at my requests but I couldn't bear to leave again without a real picture of the mysterious goings on inside. I decided to not see Dr P at the lovely fertility clinic any more but at the normal place, even though both are covered in our health plan. I will still be the bumbling foreigner having everything repeated 3 times at the reception desk for the amusement of the waiting room but I hope this will restore some normality.
I am now one of 20 people on a private FB group that branched out from BC. I'm the only one who didn't 'whoop whoop' after my scan, I just added a little note that all was well on an old thread and sent some personal emails to my Mum, sister and a friend. I don't feel 'whoop whoop', words that I know express excitement online like LOL means 'that's funny'. It's a bit like speaking in Spanish, I don't really feel I'm saying what I feel. I feel really protective too about our news. I feel like I'm not ready for any announcements either. I know if I did 'whoop' on BC or FB that no one would mind as I don't mind when they do...it's just it feels so alien to me. I have felt very nervous coming off the hormones too and that is holding me back a little. It just feels strange that the other 19 people who have all conceived with similar difficulty are choosing baby names, buying baby clothes and discussing breast feeding. My mind wanders back and forth from now until December and all the things that lie ahead. I'm just still taking small steps, smaller than most it seems. Interesting find on BC, I searched a few things on the regular 'December 2011' group and came across a thread called 'Has anyone else not announced yet?'...there were many women in week 12-20 who were hiding in floaty tops and still hadn't got used to the idea that they really were pregnant, let alone that a baby was on the horizon so I felt more at home there for a while.