Stressed

Today I went to have my endocervical polyp (2mmx2mm) removed but in fact it had disappeared out of view so apparently shouldn't cause any problems.

Then, it was the mock transfer, the dress rehearsal. I wore a gown and the Dr tried various catheters for size against my bendy uterus and it bloody hurt. It quashed all my visions of relaxing during embryo transfer. It's the second time in a month something has been forced through my cervix but if it means I get to experience the weird, wonderful and excruciating experience of squeezing a baby out then so be it.

What's so stressful today is the timing of everything. I was all set for January but holding a little back in case the polyp was an issue. After the procedure I sat down with Dr P and he asked what I wanted to do next, it seemed so obvious...ICSI...quick sharp! But I remember N and I were meant to be thinking things over. I asked to start on my next cycle and he started to write a huge prescription of drugs I have never heard of in all my Nursing days. I had to ask the receptionist for directions to a specialist clinic with an odd name and hand over the cash and then take them to the fridge at home. The next step in the puzzle. But when to start?

The next day of my menstrual cycle it seems. Approx 3rd January. When it comes, I call Dr P and then go in for an USS with the drugs and they give me the next part of the puzzle. BUT if there are left over follicles from my last cycle (this current one) then the treatment will be abandoned?!! Dr H, the big cheese, is off on his hols in February and N is travelling in March and April so this was not good news. I now know after much googling that this is a short cycle IVF. The is no down regulation as with long IVF where the breaks are put on on day 21 of the cycle to ensure an empty base line on Day 1 of new cycle, this is the ultimate in control but symptoms are menopausal like and hideous. Well, tomorrow I will call him to see how this decision was made between the long and the short.

I have postponed my TEFL course, from 3/1/11 to 31/1/11 to allow for this cycle so if it doesn't happen it will be really, really tough. Oh for a glimpse into a magic crystal ball into this terrifying and uncertain future. I have spent the last 6 months, on and off, feeling physically sick at the thought of it all and drifting in this limbo between hope and hopelessness.