Monday, December 6, 2010


I've been reading about adoption again. I've looked at it on and off over the past year as I always tend to jump ahead. I am a natural born worrier and I have found that it's comforting to explore the worst case scenario, so I can feel more in control and prepared. Each time I enter a building, boat, train, bus or any public space I wonder what would happen in the event of fire or flood or any disaster. It's a waste of time really.

Not that I am saying adoption is the worst case scenario, rather that being denied by some horrid social worker would be awful. Perhaps turned away for being to old? The whole process sounds dreadful. Of course there are few babies up for adoption too so not I only would I miss out on my own baby but it would be an experience I would die never really knowing, which is really scary and not something I am willing to give up hope on just yet.

I suppose all this makes one question the reason for wanting a family, wanting to become a parent. What are the driving forces? I feel a lot of pressure to create something with my genes and N's genes and I wonder how much of it it the desire to be able to experience pregnancy, labour, birth etc...well it all needs more thought.

When I have felt maternal (I'm still not sure what that means to me) or thought about becoming a parent I always imagine a walking, talking child. Until that point everything feels very uncertain. I can imagine how the baby might look but I can't imagine the bond that I hear about all the time and maybe it's just one of those things you have to experience first hand. I had all sorts of romantic and also negative ideas about what marriage would be like and I filled the gaps with an imaginary person. When it does happen it's never the same (much better of course). I suppose it's the relationship with a walking, talking child I look forward to most. What do they think and feel about the world? What is it like to be him/her? What makes him/her unique?

I have just been sobbing over adoption blogs, listening to the struggles and rewards. An 8 year old buying her adoptive Mother a shiny, gold Mum bracelet from Argos and the Mum crying because it's so touching but also so tacky and not her taste at all. Giving a 6 year old his first proper birthday party and the simple things these children need and want after such a rocky start in life. It would be an honour really to adopt but I can understand why so called experts say couples must mourn the loss of the child they could never have first. It's a very different experience.

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