I've managed to tackle some really dull jobs with big deadlines (tax mainly) today. I've been procrastinating for months but decided the 2 week wait would be a good time for it. I found myself trawling through old emails and came across a stack of replies from a girl called K in November 2009. She was one of the first people I met here and she was truly lovely, chasing after her daughter toddling around, I hardly noticed her bump. She told me she was in my situation a few years back, new to the city. When work was hard to find her and her husband decided to bring family plans forward and she was pregnant before they knew it.
I was so excited, everyone, including my acupuncturist told me they had a 'feeling' that it would happen really quickly when I arrived here and a few weeks after meeting K I found myself expecting my period to start but no sign, none of the usual cramps. I was only a whole day late but this was unusual. Terrified but excited N and I scoured the net looking for health plans, joking that I may have to return to England to have the baby and I wrote to K asking her to recommend a health plan, agreeing with N to share our plans with her and her husband.
So today, there were all the replies forwarded to me by K, very excited by my family plan, she said, she looked forward to having more young people around with kids, I didn't tell her I was 33 about to turn 34. There were nearly a dozen emails forwarded from friends of K's saying 'this plan was excellent with number 1 and I have kept the same obs dr for my current pregnancy' and that sort of thing. I noticed one of them said 'here's the details of our plan, we would definitely use them again if baby number 2 ever arrives'. I checked the name at the top and realised that baby number 2 had not yet arrived for this couple as far as I knew on good old FB. I had seen the couple a handful of times last year with their gorgeous son and suddenly my perspective of there situation changed as I imagined their potential disappointment 14 months later. Over the course of last year I deliberately distanced myself from K and the gang who all had kids or enormous bumps as I began to feel self consious and wondered if K was checking to see if I was saying 'yes' to a glass of wine or not and anyway we naturally drifted and I made my own friends. I dread bumping into K still. Bumpless. I am completely aware of course that this is classic projection and K has more than enough to do with her 2 beautiful daughters than worry if I am failing to conceive.
I suppose I just hadn't considered secondary infertility for the people I know with one child, especially one grown up child. Some people decided one child is just right or do not want children at all but I know of another couple we meet with often who have a daughter via ISCI and are trying for number two and the pressure is immense. Her daughter asks 'where is my brother/sister?'. It must be hard.
I find it very hard to hear people saying secondary infertility is 'worse' or 'harder' than primary and find these are people who have not had to struggle for number one at all, so it's the first time they are faced with tests, treatment and uncertainty and friends falling pregnant with number 2, 3 and 4. I would bet all the money in the world that if it came to it they would not swap secondary for primary. To clear their childs bedroom out and turn it back into a study, to wipe the amazing experience they have had and the future they share, to be robbed of their title as parents. No, I'm sure childlessness scores higher on the pain scale than having one child without any brothers or sisters. It's just that today it may me wonder how many other people there are out there who conceived number 1 as a fluke and are struggling now.
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