Thursday, January 27, 2011


Well it doesn't feel as bad as I thought it would and I feel better than yesterday in fact, the usual brown spotting and unmistakable hot, crampy feelings arrived early this morning. I couldn't bear to wait another day to find out if it hadn't 'worked' or not so I'm feeling very relieved after the last few awful days when I started to deflate gradually like a slow puncture. I knew bad news was coming and the wait was very distressing.

Also, while my Dr has been right about everything else I wasn't convinced the progesterone would hold bleeding back for 14 days because my luteal phase is only 12 days normally so this spotting makes more sense to me. I felt as though I couldn't face the journey to the clinic tomorrow for the blood test but it will be good to get confirmation, there's always an element of doubt at the end/beginning of a cycle. So the phone call I have been waiting so impatiently for will be permission to uncork the wine. Fantasies of Dr P calling and me interrupting with the gory details of my brown spotting and him saying 'well, your HCG is quite high so let's see on Monday shall we'...or similar, drift in and out of my head. It doesn't sway me though. It's time to put my back up plan in action.

I have a nice long weekend now before I start a full time course on Monday. I'm so shy I hate meeting new people and find it exhausting so it will use up most of my energy. The course leader is organising a meal on Thursday so it was nice to say 'yes' put my name down with out having to tell more white lies. I would have postponed the course if I had been pregnant as it's a month long and I wanted time to rest in case I felt poorly. It would have been nice to postpone it if it had been a happy outcome of course but even though it's a sad ending to the cycle it comes with the return of perspective as all new cycles do when the state of limbo is over.

These past two weeks I've moved from a desperate urge to prove this had worked, it's almost hard to believe that 2 top grade embryos implanted into a uterus with a primed lining could not turn into at least one pregnancy but gradually I moved towards a desperate urge to prove what felt like an inevitability, that this cycle wasn't going to be successful. I would find it very hard to face starting a cycle from the beginning again so I feel very grateful that we hopefully have 2 cycles left.