Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Accidental sperm donor

15, more or less, years ago, N was an accidental sperm donor which is really ironic on so many levels. I was going to call him an unknowing or unwilling sperm donor but as it takes two to fail to use protection, he can keep his share of the blame. He's never missed a payment to the child support agency but hasn't seen M since he was a few months old. The surprise pregnancy that resulted from a one night stand at university did not bode well for paternal bonding and the decision this girl made to leave university and keep the unplanned pregnancy was not good news for a lot of people. So N went to visit baby M for the first few months of life but due to an opportunity to work abroad for 6 months of every year, pressure from his then fiance and an attempt to do the right thing long term, N walked away. 'She' got on with her life, met a new partner, had more children. She has never asked for more money, just that she and N keep a recent contact address for each other for M's sake. There is a genetic link after all but that's where it ends.

I wasn't pleased to find out about M either but it didn't feel like a problem when we first met, just a potential problem should M want contact in the future, it would be something I had to deal with. N and I had only been seeing one another for a week or so when I jokingly asked if he was secretly married with kids,( after so many destructive relationships I was determined not to get involved with someone who had huge issues), my mouth fell open wide when he said 'no wife no but there is a kid actually'. So M sounded like an issue but as we talked it out over several bottles of wine I decided I could cope with it. Once I realised N hadn't seen him, or her, for 8 years I realised it wouldn't impact on our lives too much and N assurred me he still wanted kids with someone he  actually wanted to spend his life with. They were lovely days.

I can remember deciding not to tell any of my friends about M, it would be seen as gossip to them and it was N's business one he had dealt with privately with M's Mother. I knew straight away though that the only potentially unbearable consequence would be if we couldn't have our own genetic children and I assumed the responsibility lay with me. This laid the foundations to my paranoia about fertility problems but I was reassured that N must have potent swimmers. His friends rarely mention M but when they have it's almost with pride....'good shot N, good shot'.

So of course I am thinking about M at the moment more than usual. I have seen one photo and  the resemblance to N is painful. As sometimes genetics skip a generation I have decided that M has inherited N's Dad's genes, who really is a wally. Poor M. At least he has nurture on his side which I strongly believe is more powerful than nature.

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