Thursday, January 6, 2011
How to stay positive? This was the intention for this post after all. I've found ways to keep going but rarely shared anything on this blog so feel like it's become all doom and gloom. I am grateful for many things. Firstly, the opportunity to have this treatment at all as not everyone does. It's better than thinking Why me, why me?, although I think that is a necessary part of the process. Some days it just feels that the whole world has children with little effort and I actually feel sick with jealousy when I look at friends recent wedding photos as they still have hope and excitement about starting a family and this has gone for me, for us, I am clinging to hope of just having a child, that is so slim.
I wonder what someone battling a serious disease would think of this blog, someone who has to inject medications, daily, their whole life. Someone who has an uncertain or poor prognosis and may not live as long as I have already. I am otherwise healthy and I feel I am wasting precious time as weeks go by. I need to find one nice thing to do each day. Taking each day at a time helps, it's the only thing that helps because actually right now, I'm happy, today anyway. I am just terrified of tomorrow that's all and it's overshadowing everything.
Also I need permission to feel fed up too, which sounds a little contradictory. There is a bereavement process that starts once a couple decide to stop fertility treatment and until then experts say it's not possible to move on with life. I am stuck in limbo, grieving that we can't have children without assistance but living in a weird bubble where no one on this earth can tell us that we will never have children (thank goodness) and so we are clinging to a process that is without guarantee and has a 70% chance of not working....or sorry, a 30% chance of working I should say in a 30% full rather than 70% empty kind of way.
If we make to the point of embryo transfer I will celebrate this and it's the next hurdle on the horizon as far as I can see. But today, for the next few hours I'm going swimming as I pass a couple of times a week and today I don't have a clinic appointment to clash with anything.