Day 23

Such a lot has happened in just 23 days but the time has passed so slowly. Staying away from websites has really helped, I'm ultra sensitive at the moment and even avoiding my daily FB checks, just keeping up with messages when they land in my email account is helping.

This blog has been the most useful tool to me as a safe space to talk about how I was really feeling. At first I didn't share it with anyone and when I did I was encouraged by how supportive people were so I'm glad I did. Perhaps, I didn't anticipate the effect my blog might have on the readers. I didn't want to keep apologising for my feelings all the time like I had to on the websites, especially being self indulgent, it's not a commercial blog. So I was amazed when (almost) uninhibited ramblings were vaguely useful to the readers. All I know is that I am very touched by all the emails and comments people have taken the time to leave, each and every one.


So before I go on I suppose I should warn readers that I am not feeling very positive at the moment. We had such a good response to our treatment that I do feel lucky, of course but I will have days when I feel blue and half empty and I suppose that might not be useful to others. My feelings have really taken me by surprise but I know myself well enough that I have a delayed reaction to things. The first half of this treatment was so intense, I lived by my diary and left no time for feelings, no time for doubt, I had to keep going, keep setting my alarms to prepare, inject meds, visit Dr and have 24-48hr scans. A welcome distraction, so much activity after so many months of waiting, it felt really good and almost like I had some control given back to me.


So one week on I've had time to process everything, let it settle, I've watched every film in my collection, caught up with all my work and emails and now is the time to let myself take it all in. I didn't think I'd feel like this about our fertilized eggs but I'm preparing myself for the weekend and it's utterly terrifying. I can't think past this stage. This is no longer a 'try' or even just 'a cycle' it's 2 tiny potential lives made up of bits of me and N and I'm very attached to them already, the idea of loosing even one of them feels very strange indeed so I think that's what the tears are about, I think I'm just tired and I'm very much back to taking one day at a time.