Thursday, January 6, 2011
A better day
I felt so much better today. I think having a day off from the clinic helped. I swam a few lengths and found myself obsessing over this stage of the treatment. What if the Cetrotide hasn't worked and I release all my eggs. My hips hurt when I swam and I had visions of something dislodging, like frog spawn. Then for some reason I remembered a conversation with my colleague in my old job (she was a Psychologist) about Mindfulness and this turned into a google search of a different kind.
In the afternoon I listened to a Mindfulness podcast and tried to stay in the present instead of constantly worrying about the future. I slept very deeply for 2 hours. Then, continuing my love-hate relationship with BC website I checked in and saw someone had egg collection and got 12 out of 14. Amazing. Was I happy for her? Maybe somewhere inside but I just felt so crap that I'll be lucky to get 6 and even less embryos are predicted. If money was no object I know I could face this again but I'd just love a freezer full of hope by the end of this and I'm already nervous about tomorrow's next USS. That they will insert the probe and shake their heads.
I need to get back to my earlier position of perspective as I've blinded myself with fear again. And so like a mantra here is the quote made famous by Kung Fu Panda, falsely attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt but quite sensible really:
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.