Thursday, January 6, 2011

A better day

I felt so much better today. I think having a day off from the clinic helped. I swam a few lengths and found myself obsessing over this stage of the treatment. What if the Cetrotide hasn't worked and I release all my eggs. My hips hurt when I swam and I had visions of something dislodging, like frog spawn. Then for some reason I remembered a conversation with my colleague in my old job (she was a Psychologist) about Mindfulness and this turned into a google search of a different kind.

In the afternoon I listened to a Mindfulness podcast and tried to stay in the present instead of constantly worrying about the future. I slept very deeply for 2 hours. Then, continuing my love-hate relationship with BC website I checked in and saw someone had egg collection and got 12 out of 14. Amazing. Was I happy for her? Maybe somewhere inside but I just felt so crap that I'll be lucky to get 6 and even less embryos are predicted. If money was no object I know I could face this again but I'd just love a freezer full of hope by the end of this and I'm already nervous about tomorrow's next USS. That they will insert the probe and shake their heads.

I need to get back to my earlier position of perspective as I've blinded myself with fear again. And so like a mantra here is the quote made famous by Kung Fu Panda, falsely attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt but quite sensible really:

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.


  1. I wish I had time to write more but I have to head to work in a bit and also the cat is going mental and won't let me type properly!

    I just wanted to say hang in there. I've read all the posts over the last few days and I'm really sorry you're having a hard time. I'm not going to say PMA because I hate when people say it to me. I also don't think that a positive mental attitude will affect the outcome of the treatment. Your feelings and worries are valid and you are entitled to feel them. We all feel that way. I had a really bad day this week when I thought 'what if my blood test come back and I'm not ovulating at all and I'll be told I can never have kids.' I know that probably won't happen, but those thoughts sneak in and you can't focus on anything else.

    Keep posting, I have my fingers crossed for you.

  2. Thank you so much Kat! It's hard to explain to other people isn't it? It's like having the HIV test, we all hope we don't have HIV or cancer or anything else awful but it's not until you walk out the door after the blood test that you have to actually consider the possibility it might be positive. Just like your blood tests and DH's results, it's a worry just playing the waiting game. I've also had to explain to people that while I've started an IVF treatment cycle, I'm not necessarily having IVF this month, it's day by day, scan by scan, step by step.
    But comments on this blog help, they really do!

  3. Remember with eggs... quality is a key factor. Though I also totally get what you mean about wanting that 'insurance' so you don't have to go through the whole cycle again. xx