Monday, January 31, 2011

There's nothing like bad news to send people running for the hills

I checked my blog stats today. This blog was initially just for people I knew but spread a little more over time. It's interesting to see the countries around the world light up, some that I've never even been to. Everything has dwindled since I started bleeding on Thursday, not just my mood and happiness but blog hits too. I would have thought there might have been a few hangers on just to see how it turned out, a bit of a cliff hanger maybe but perhaps not.

I have been glad of this blog really as it seemed a way of letting people I know (in addition to anonymous readers) that the treatment failed rather than having to contact everyone separately and directly. I have actually found it hard to write the words. The problem is as I have not been direct about it I have not had many direct responses and am finding it very lonely at the moment. It's a relief so few people know yet it's difficult at the same time. I've managed to avoid people all weekend but if I was still in England I know I would not have been able to avoid seeing friends and would have felt better for it.

I suppose this blog is a rather cowardly way of breaking bad news, even the writing is ambiguous and I'm my own worst enemy. Despite all the hormones pumping around since 01.01.11 it's only this week I've felt terrible and I grew nervous about any well meant anonymous comments. I considered deleting the blog or coming off it for a while but in the end I removed the comments box for a few days, just to avoid upset. People I have given my email to were then of course still be able to contact me and those that did to say they were thinking of me made all the difference.

Some people know but don't have access to the blog so I don't expect to hear from them. I suppose people don't know what to say or feel they have to say something informed or useful which isn't true. So anyway my blog has failed one it's purposes since Thursday so I might have to start writing to everyone directly after all to say it hasn't worked and hope I don't scare them off even more?!



  1. I suspected you had removed the comments boxes to avoid the 'don't give up yet' comments and I completely understand, but I have to say, I felt terrible not being able to say that I was thinking of you and I am sorry things didn't go well this time.

    I shall try not to say anything too cliche nor give any cyber hugs. However I am interested to hear what your doc has to say.

  2. I think maybe some of it is respectful distance as they may feel that is what you have been needing? Im sure, like myself, there are many people who are feeling for you but wanted to leave a few days before posting as there are never the right words to say.

  3. The above comments ring true for me, respectful distance and loving thoughts. It is very hard to even contemplate gathering the right words that can ease some of the feelings you have at this time. It is good that you have a friend that has given you permission to purge them openly, sometimes I guess we have to let go completely and allow ourselves to let the emotions lead to be able to rebuild the strength and motivation to move on to the plan b. xxxxxxxxxxxx

  4. Thank you for your kind comments. I can see why people would think someone needs space or distance and that staying away is the best thing to do. It's always hard to know the right thing to do or say. I think it was just bad timing, with N away working all weekend and my message boxes all suddenly empty.

    There are one or two people who don't have access to this blog who have yet to get in touch and I think they are being sensitive in not contacting me first and leaving the ball in my court. They can't possibly know I want them to do the opposite...people aren't psychic (note to self).

  5. Hi there.. just back from holiday (where I was very careful to keep away from internet for my own sanity) but am now back and catching up with your blogs.
    Take care xx