ET continued...

It's nice to have made it this far and this afternoon I slept a lot once I'd managed to get my head round the fact that the active treatment phase really is over. No more clinic visits. No more injections. Just progesterone 3 times a day to remind me that there are 2 clusters of cells floating around.

The part I was most nervous about today was having and holding a full bladder as it's not my strong point. I only need 250ml before I'm dancing a jig with my legs crossed so 1L was a challenge. I was anxious too that we still hadn't paid so we arrived early and surprise, surprise the transaction wouldn't go through. N had to go off and use a phone somewhere to call the UK and let the bank know that we were genuinely trying to pay out an enormous lump sum. Still no joy so N managed to collect the daily limit from a nearby bank as a sort of deposit and no one seemed worried about it.

So it was still only 11.00 and I was ready to pee. I stopped drinking in preparation for 11.30. Couples came and went. We were obviously at the end of the list and eventually (while N was chasing the bank) I found myself sitting alone in the waiting room. The receptionist went off and changed out of her uniform and the security guard finally woke up, rolled up his paper and left his stool. I became obsessed with the somewhat irrational thought that I would either have to wee or I worse I would leak all over the sterile area and ruin everything. What could be taking so long? Maybe the embryos had stopped growing overnight and the Drs were shaking their heads next door, tossing a coin to see who would break the news.

After the longest 15 mins ever I was called through by the theatre Nurse and given the same outfit and instructions as Wednesday, pre EC. I changed and then sat on the bed feeling more lost and lonely than ever before since we started this thing...and where was N? Tears were stinging my eyes and as I don't do public crying if I can help it I found myself taking deep breaths and concentrating on the fixtures and fittings in the room. Dr P walked in and started showing me a chart with loads of numbers and I eventually realised that '44-44-33-x' was our 6 embryos which had grown from '33-33-22-1' yesterday. It slowly dawned on me why he was grinning so much and I suddenly felt like I could do it after all.

Same room, same table, same number of people except instead of an anaesthetist I met the embryologist and for the first time, ever, I was asked to confirm my full name. I was relieved that the sonographer hardly needed to put any pressure on my bladder to get a good view and I was reassured I wouldn't leak or burst in a very bored 'everybody says that' sort of way. In went the catheter through the cervix (always the worst bit for me) and then I was doused suddenly with cold liquid which made me wonder if I had been falsely reassured but no just sterile water. Lots of incomprehensible mumbling and I watched the second hand go round the clock twice, then the embryologist came in and she wasn't really in view but she was carrying 'them' and I felt really strange, the room was dark by the point to and everybody was whispering then silent. 'OK' said Dr H, now we need the embryologist to just confirm the catheter is empty and he laughed....'yes, very sensible' I said. Silence again...................then a very nonchalant 'Muy bien' came from the embryologist, hidden from view and everyone started chatting and the lights came on. Show over. Dr H and Dr P swung the screen round and showed me a tiny speck, like a grain of rice. 'There they both are, that's your uterus around them, they're suspended in X-ray contrast so we can see them'. Wow.

Next door, still no N, I signed a form to give permission to cryopreserve the remaining 44 and 33...with pleasure. I couldn't wait to pee and I was surprised that I didn't feel the need to relax afterwards. I had anticipated bargaining with staff to let me lie flat with my legs in the air post transfer but it felt different, after all that pushing and pulling, they were definitely where they needed to be. Finally N appeared looking deliriously happy and signing on the dotted line below. Dr P said ' now we freeze for the brothers' which sounded funny but amazing. I can barely entertain the idea that this will work, let alone have siblings but I'm trying to let myself just feel happy which is hard after building up a protective wall against disappointment.

I pottered when I got home and wished I had a print out of the scan today just to make it seem real, instead I tidied up our results pile in the hall and ended up laying it out and taking a photo of it to put on here instead. So many tests. It's not over yet but we've come such a long way I felt quite proud looking at it, that we have navigated our way through all the uncertainty, I'm sure we will mange the two week wait now, together.